He does German star Bernhard Langer being interviewed by Masters chairman Hord Hardin.
Hardin [deep Southern drawl]: "Bern-ard, how do you pronounce your name, anyhow?"
Langer [like Colonel Klink]: "I am Bern-hart."
Hardin: "So, Bernie, how d'ya like the course today?"
Langer: "I sink see fairways ver much too narrow, and see greens much too hart."
Faldo loves gags. When bellhops unload his clubs from the limousine, they are shocked to find how heavy they are. What they don't know is that Faldo, the Anal-Retentive Golfer, carries two sets of clubs in his travel bag, in case he breaks something. "There must be something wrong with you, chap," he says softly to a bellhop. "My caddie is a girl, and she can lift it."
The girl, Fanny Sunesson, Faldo's unflappable Swedish sidekick, has become almost as famous as he is. "Fanny," he says to her, "do you know how humiliating it is to have people constantly say to you [he imitates a gruff voice], 'Give us an autograph, Mr. Faldo—and make sure it's below Fanny's.' "
He is inventive. During his affair with Gill, which finally broke up his first marriage, they once were stashed away in a Honolulu hotel room. The London press was bearing down. So when the phone rang, Faldo would answer it in his best butler's voice.
"Nick Faldo's quarters," he would say as stuffily as possible. "May I heeeeeelp you? Oh, I'm dreeeeeadfully sorry. Mr. Faldo's not in at the moment."