Let's Open Up The Fridge

Memo to Editors: New Brainstorm has arrived. Better than last brainstorm about sending sneaker phone (phone shaped like a sneaker, not sneaker shaped like a phone) to new subscribers. Better than brainstorm about featuring photos of women in swimsuits in one issue per year to help cure winter blahs. Suggest putting Chicago Bears defensive tackle William (the Refrigerator) Perry on next week's cover. Naked.

What think?

Perry cover could be greatest seller of all time. Have seen interest in picture of actress Demi Moore, naked and pregnant, on cover of Vanity Fair. Think Perry would be bigger than Moore. Much bigger. Perry reported to Bears training camp at 370 pounds. Was blasted by coach Mike Ditka for being overweight. Controversy established. Cover would take advantage. Great free publicity.

"What do you think about Fridge on cover?" national media would ask Ditka.

"What do you mean by that?" Ditka would snarl.

"Is it art? Is it journalism? Is it detrimental to professional football?"

"It's %&(@�*%!" Ditka would snarl.

Television sportscasts already show shots of Perry sweating and groaning through workouts in 90� heat, then switch to close-ups of Ditka wondering aloud how any man could permit himself to fall so far out of shape. Sportscasts switch back to shots of Perry huffing and puffing through wind sprints, then back to Ditka, who is asking where Perry has been, eating all this food. Funny stuff. Funnier even than traditional shot of two outfielders and one infielder suffering separated shoulders and multiple lacerations as pop fly bounces on ground beside them. Cover would take advantage.

"Would you pose for the cover naked?" national media would ask Ditka.

"What kind of question is that?" Ditka would ask.