Let's Play Milton Bradley!

3. On Whose !@#$ Authority?
Land on the middle finger icon and choose one authority figure to "challenge": Umpire, Manager, G.M. or Police Officer. Fill in the blank correctly, and you get to roll again ... and get rid of a marble! Example:

Q: When a cop pulls you over for speeding, you should [blank]?

A: Refuse to accept the ticket and zoom away, as Bradley did in 2003, leading to a three-day stay in jail.

4. Down He Goes!
Head straight to the DL (look for the icon of Mark Prior) and draw from the deck to determine your fate.

Injury cards include Pulled Hammy (lose a turn), Tweaked Oblique (two turns) and the dreaded Ump Attack. The last card sends you to Torn ACL Grotto, where you spend four turns "rehabbing," just as Bradley did in 2007 after he shredded his knee while being restrained from charging an umpire who'd insulted him.

5. Square of Redemption.
Land here and you gain two marbles (because while the goal of the game is to be bad, Bradley's got a lot of good in him). Squares include: Run a Youth Charity (icon of the Milton Bradley Baseball Academies for at-risk youth), Good Teammate (shot of a grinning Nick Swisher, Bradley's pal with the A's), Quiet Intelligence (cover of The Fountainhead, his favorite book) and Vie for a Batting Title (the number .332, Bradley's average when this edition was released). Be careful not to collect too many marbles—or make an All-Star team—because you might just end up Redeemed!

6. Five-Tool Immunity.
Land here and earn a special token (shaped like a bug-eyed scout). No matter what, you can always get back in the game with Five Tools!

HOW TO WIN: You can't! In keeping with the spirit of Milton Bradley himself, Milton Bradley makes no sense at all, but it sure is fun to play!

WARNING: We, the makers of this game, cannot guarantee that if you insult the real Milton Bradley during gameplay that he will not find you and "introduce" himself. If this happens, please refrain from telling him how you heard about this game. Seriously. If you need us, we'll be hiding in Ryan Lefebvre's basement.

TALK BACK
If you have ideas on how to improve Milton Bradley, send them to SI.com/pointafter.