Carnation Nation

When ESPN college basketball commentator Digger Phelps recently told a reporter from the Poughkeepsie (N.Y.) Journal that he plans to run for president in 2004, saying, "I just want to coach the country," the announcement at first sounded like a joke. But Phelps, the former coach at Notre Dame, is not well known for his sense of humor, and indeed, he has confirmed that he's serious, even though his political experience is limited to 11 months as a supervisor in the Bush Administration's Weed-and-Seed drug-prevention program. "Why not?" he says of his political pipe dream. "If it's there, go for it."

We're trying to imagine how a notoriously image-conscious, overcoaching dandy from South Bend might run the country, and the picture is a little bizarre. An "I See America as a Golden Dome on a Hill" inaugural address? Economic policy based on the green-and-gold standard? A cabinet-level Department of Midnight Basketball? Massive military spending to combat proliferation of Long-Ainge Missiles that can penetrate any defense within seconds? A new presidential retreat, Camp David Rivers? And the Rose Garden being uprooted and replaced by... the Carnation Garden?