Hello. I are the replacement kolumnist. It is just about the greatest honner I can think of. The magazine called me just out of the blue (!!!!) and asked if I could write this major league kolumn while replacement players played major league baseball. Quick as a wink, I said I could!!!! This were something beyond my wildest dreams.
"We've been reading your Letters to the Editor for years," one of my new bosses explained. "Your name was the first that came to mind. We think you can be the perfect man for this replacement job."
"How come?" I asked, thinkin this was some kid of cruel, cruel hoaks being played by one of the boys at the Elks. "You ain't never printed one of my letters, not one, and I been sendin them about once a week since 1968."
"We've been waiting for the perfect moment," the editor replied. "We're all very much aware of your talents. Many of your letters, in fact, have been Xeroxed and distributed widely about our offices. The most recent, I believe, was the one where you called for the death penalty for Tonya Harding. Everybody just loved that."
I has been a sportswriter in my sole for all my life. I has had many other okkupations, two numerous to mention, but sportswriting has been my dream job. I always has been hindered by the fact I has been RAISING A FAMILY and PUTTING BREAD ON THE TABLE. I could not follow where MY HEART wanted to take me, going back to skool and taking jobs at small newspapers to start out. Now, thank goodness, I are able to hit the BIG TIME in a single bound!!!!
I are already making plans to be in Flor. and Ariz. to interview those replacement pitchers and katchers when they shows up at the replacement kamps. I will be wearing some neat, you know, sunglasses and standin in that Flor. sun in my short pants and talkin Ball and writin everything down so you folks can read about it. Free food, free hotel, free transportation. I can do this in a New York minute!!!!
"How they lookin, Skip?" I will say to someone like Mr. Buck Showalter of the New York Pin-striped Yankees.
"Look good to me," he will say.
I Will Get The Story!!!!