Due to unforeseen circumstances, it looks like we're going to have to hold another Super Bowl, the sporting event that is to excitement what Rosie O'Donnell is to the thong bikini. This year, because the St. Louis Rams and the Tennessee Titans have never been in a Super Bowl, I'd like the fans of those teams to review our introductory Super Slide Show in order to get the most out of their Super Bowl experience. Would somebody get the lights? Great.
Now, it's important to get to know your host Super Bowl city—Atlanta. While in Atlanta, be sure to visit...click
...Underground Atlanta, with its terrific shopping and restaurants. What's not so terrific is...click
... Aboveground Atlanta, which is basically a string of Shoney's restaurants connected loosely by jammed parking lots, many of them disguised as interstates. Atlanta's a wonderful place to live if you happen to be a muffler. Going to a Super Bowl in Atlanta is the equivalent of a honeymoon in Wichita Falls or a sweepstakes vacation in Biloxi.
Luckily, nobody minds if you make fun of Atlanta, on account of nobody in Atlanta is from Atlanta. Figures on the number of Atlanta natives are unreliable, mostly because so few people will admit that's what they are. However, if there's one thing Atlantans are proud of, it's ...click
...their baseball team, the Braves, even though one small element of the club was revealed to be racist and ugly. Of course, we all know that element is...click
...the Tomahawk Chop. The Braves' owner, Ted Turner, can be just as offensive, but this week he's only the third strangest owner in town. The first is this man...click
...Titans owner Bud Adams, the lumpy 77-year-old millionaire who wears his gray hair long over his ears, much in the style of a man emerging from a Philippine cave asking if World War II is over. Adams jilted the city of Houston and took his team to Tennessee three seasons ago, and poor Houston hasn't fielded a team since. Which is funny because that's exactly what this woman,...click
...Rams owner Georgia Frontiere, did five years ago to Los Angeles, which still doesn't have another team. Of course, L.A. doesn't seem to want a new team, possibly because it had to put up with Frontiere all those years. Married seven times, the 72-year-old astrology nut doesn't sign important papers when Mercury is retrograde, danced at the Silver Slipper in Las Vegas, was a TV weather girl in Miami and gave her players Cabbage Patch dolls before a game.
Spotting Georgia in Georgia is only one of the many exciting things to do during Super Bowl week. You'll love going to the NFL Experience, which this year added several unique fan-focused exhibits, including...click