WHEN ANNIKA SORENSTAM coyly suggested last week that she'd be interested in competing against the boys, she set off a frenzy among PGA Tour tournament directors, who began wooing her as if she were the Bachelorette. Watching this spectacle, I realized how I might jump-start my own shaky career. I have been grinding away in obscurity on the Nationwide tour for the last seven years, dreaming of my 15 minutes of fame. Apparently, I should have set loftier goals than finishing in the top 15 on the Nationwide money list. It's time for me to promote gender equity in golf. So, I hereby announce my intention to become the first man to play on the LPGA tour. Let the bidding begin!
The LPGA has a bylaw banning men, but I'm sure the tour will change its mind. (If not, I know I can count on Martha Burk to take up my cause, since she's so concerned about equal access.) Look at all the attention that Sorenstam's publicity stunt has generated. Imagine the fuss when I show up for my first LPGA event, flashing hairy legs and knobby knees from under my tour-approved shorts.
My journey to the LPGA will make for irresistible drama. No offense, but no one expects Sorenstam to contend, much less win, on the PGA Tour. But if I don't obliterate the LPGA field on my first try, I'll never be able to show my face at another golf course. After all, playing from the women's tees, I should birdie every par-4 and reach every par-5 in two.
The idea of becoming a pioneer for male journeymen everywhere is alluring, and so is the chance to make a decent living. The LPGA's purses are more than double what's offered on the Nationwide, and crashing through my own personal glass ceiling should get me tons of endorsement money. I know a vast majority of PGA Tour players are opposed to women being allowed to play on their circuit, but they're being close-minded. They need to understand what an opportunity the LPGA offers. Who needs the Senior tour when you can get rich playing against women?
Vic Wilk, 42, finished 73rd on the Nationwide tour money list last year, with $59,472. He won the 1994 Knoxville Open.