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Nothing to Fear but Fehr Himself
Steve Rushin
February 02, 2004
THE FIRST thing you notice, while waiting for the President of the United States in the West Wing lobby of the White House, is the bowl of fun-sized candy bars on an end table, so that you can picture Jacques Chirac, while cooling his heels on the same sofa, dolefully peeling himself a 3 Musketeers.
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February 02, 2004

Nothing To Fear But Fehr Himself

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All of this is by way of telling the President, should he now be riffling through this issue on Air Force One, that SI is pleased to provide his next State of the Union address, excerpts of which we now offer:

"My fellow Americans, American Leaguers, Kodak All-Americans, club-seat holders at American Airlines Arena: The State of our Union is strong. But so is the state of the baseball union. We have nothing to fear but Fehr himself. [Applause.]

"Tonight, in this historic chamber, where once stood Lincoln and Kennedy, we are hosting former Raiders tackle Lincoln Kennedy. His presence reminds us that our common enemies—Al Qaeda, Al Davis—are tonight weaker than they were a year ago. [Applause.]

"And while I haven't discovered WMD in Iraq, I have discovered WFAN in New York, where the constant chants of 'Fire Chaney' referred, I now understand, to Don Chaney, not Dick Cheney. (I now regret having rashly replaced the Vice President with Lenny Wilkens.)

"But I stand by my other appointments, Rasheed Wallace and Priest Holmes, who have put, respectively, the joint and the Chiefs back in the Joint Chiefs. [Applause.]

"Recently I accepted the resignation of Dr. Kay as chief weapons inspector in Iraq. This Dr. Kay, it turns out, is not Dwight Gooden, who nevertheless knows a thing or two about arms. [Laughter, applause.]

"We must remember that there exist, within our borders, extremist groups. And so America remains on guard tonight against the Cameron Crazies and the fundamentalist Phillie Phanatic. We also put on notice tonight all foreign dictators, including The Mad Hungarian, Al Hrabosky. [Applause.]

"By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, Congress has assured every American aged 16 or under a roster spot in the National Basketball Association. Still, we mustn't forget our seniors, merely because they are elderly, and in their fourth year of college. [Applause.]

"Thirty-five years ago, in Houston, we sent a rocket to the moon. Now, in Houston, we have sent a Rocket to the mound. Our nation, in other words, just keeps getting stronger. And so I say to you tonight: May God bless the U.S.A. [Applause.]

"And Conference USA."

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