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Yo, Please Pass the Truth Serum
Rick Reilly
February 01, 1999
I'm 6'5" with blue eyes, bench 425 and often win prizes for my coq au vin. I was valedictorian at Yale, can barrel roll an F/A-18 Hornet and dumped Elle Maepherson for hogging the covers.
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February 01, 1999

Yo, Please Pass The Truth Serum

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Even Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan got caught up in Lie-a-Palooza recently. When rumors started that Colorado was trying to hire Broncos offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak to replace Neuheisel, Shanahan issued a written statement, saying, "There has been no contact between Gary and CU."

Only one little problem: Kubiak later admitted he and Colorado athletic director Dick Tharp had met for almost three hours the night before Shanahan issued his statement.

Ohhhh,you meant our Gary Kubiak?

Then there's Rocco DiLorenzo, the athletic director of Boston's schools, who admitted last week that some coaches and other athletic representatives in his system were guilty of phoning in bogus hockey scores to Boston newspapers for years to keep teams from being humiliated. For instance, a 15-1 game might get called in as 3-1. "It's not good for a team to get beat that way," DiLorenzo told The Boston Globe, one of the papers that was duped into printing the false scores. That's true, Rocco, except the team did get beat that way. That's the way the world works. Nearsighted goalies get embarrassed by 12 goals, give up their dream of joining the San Jose Sharks and enroll in medical school.

If it were up to us, Rocco, you'd be fired. (Not to worry, though. In the papers, it'll say you're just out for a long lunch.)

Two months ago Karl Malone said, "I have played my last basketball game in a Jazz uniform in Utah." Last week he reported to Jazz camp. Oops.

Over the last few years Madison Square Garden president and CEO Dave Checketts has said the Knicks had no interest in signing players of low integrity. Last week Checketts approved a trade for Latrell Sprewell, a player of no integrity.

It's all so greasy, it makes you want to take a long hot shower, say, until Easter. Nobody's word is worth a warm pitcher of spit anymore. Nobody's signature is worth the invisible ink it's written in. Everybody lies like Baghdad Realtors.

Except me. I can honestly say I've only told one he my whole life, and it was that first paragraph. I bench 450.

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