White Like Me

"Besides," Nash says, "it's pretty accurate, right?"

See, we White Guys know we suck. We hear it all the time. When we hoop, we've got White Man's Disease. When we dance, we've got White Man's Overbite. When we jam, we're just Average White Band. We know if Larry Bird were black, he'd be, as Isiah Thomas said, "just another guy." We know we're supposed to giggle when Charles Barkley says, "See? This is what I hate about white people." He's right! We're all exactly the same!

When ESPN debuted its terrific new talk show, Pardon the Interruption, the preview ads promised it "wasn't pretty." To prove it, host Tony Kornheiser said, "We're old. We're fat. We're bald. And we're white." Then his partner Michael Wilbon, who is black, said, "And one of us is blind." Poor Tony. He's got the big four strikes against him right there. Old. Fat. Bald. And white. Hey, the truth hurts.

We White Guys have faced it. We're wack at most everything. Basically the only thing we dominate now is stuff black people don't have the right clothes to try—lumberjack contests and luge. But we shred documents like nobody's damn business!

We're not mad. We've come to grips with it. Even when we do something good—like the three white firemen who raised the U.S. flag at ground zero—we understand you have to change two of the guys' race to nonwhite when you want to build the statue. Who wants three White Guys hanging around forever?

What, you thought White Guys had feelings?