February 12, 2010

Singles Bar

ARE YOU COMPATIBLE WITH A STUNNING SWIMSUIT MODEL?

Bill Scheft

MOST POPULAR

Name Bar Refaeli
Occupation Über Hottie
PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS
	Not at all	Somewhat	Very much
I have a high desire for sexual activity	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
I ask questions in search of information	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
If I am not in control of a situation, it is better if I leave	X _	_ _ _	_ _
I generally feel better when I am around other people	_ X	_ _ _	_ _
ANALYSIS: Right out of the gate, we see why she is who she is. That she doesn't need to be in control explains why she has no problem asking questions. That she doesn't need other people around to feel better shows independence and explains her ease staring down the barrel of a lens. Therein lies the difference. And get used to this. Most men who have a high desire for sex don't ask questions in search of information. Come on. What are we going to say? "Uh, where does this go?"
	Not at all	Somewhat	Very much
How satisfied are you with your physical appearance?	_ _	_ _ _	X _
How important is it that your partner be physically attractive?	_ _	_ X _	_ _
ANALYSIS: That thunderclap you just heard has nothing to do with global climate change. It's all the guys who think they are somewhat physically attractive simultaneously exchanging high fives.
LIVING SKILLS
	Not skilled	Somewhat	Very skilled
Achieving personal goals	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
Using humor to make people laugh	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
Helping those who are less fortunate than me	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
ANALYSIS: For the past several years, Bar has done extensive volunteer work for Project Sunshine, a nonprofit organization devoted to children with life-threatening illnesses. Any guy who marks this question in the same way is probably thinking about the one time he gave a foul ball to his brother-in-law. Either that, or making up phony charities to bust out during the date, like Doctors Without Porsches, Habitat for Hannity or Tony La Russa's Set-Up Man Rescue Foundation.
SUBCONSCIOUS PERSONALITY
	Strongly disagree	Disagree	Agree	Strongly agree
I get restless if I have to stay home too long	_	X	_	_
I am willing to take risks to do what I want to do	_	_	_	X
My friends would say I am very curious	_	_	_	X
ANALYSIS: After a promising start, this section should set off all kinds of red flags. Doesn't mind staying home? Dynamite! Extremely curious and willing to take risks? How can we put this delicately? Not only are you never touching the remote, the only Hawks-Grizzlies matchup you'll be seeing is on Animal Planet.
ATTITUDE
	Strongly disagree	Strongly agree
I like to get to know my friends' deepest needs and feelings	_ _	_ X
I change my mind easily	_ X	_ _
I vividly imagine horrible and wonderful things happening to me	_ _	X _
When reading, I enjoy it when the writer takes a sidetrack to say something beautiful or meaningful	_ _	X _
ANALYSIS: It ruins the applicant-questioner confidentiality, but you're always dying to ask, "Did you change your mind answering any of the questions before the question about changing your mind easily?" In the same way you want to know the breakdown of the horrible/wonderful vividly imagined things. 50/50? 60/40? 97/3? 97/3, you say? Hello, soulmate!
SELF-EVALUATION
	Strongly disagree	Disagree	Agree	Strongly agree
I understand complex machines easily	_	_	X	_
I pursue intellectual topics thoroughly and regularly	_	_	X	_
When I buy a new machine (camera, computer, car) I want to know all its technical features.	_	_	_	X
ANALYSIS: This was the first of two occasions when Bar gave unsolicited comments on her answers. On the complex-machine question, she added, "I'm very good. I'm like a boy." On pursuing intellectual topics, she tagged a laugh with, "Like I'm gonna say I don't. Who would say that on one of these things?" So, to the list of complex machines she understands easily, add women.
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
	Strongly disagree	Disagree	Agree	Strongly agree
When I see two people kissing madly in public, I'd rather not look	X	_	_	_
ANALYSIS: Attention future male applicants: This PDA question is a trap. Do not fall for it! Snopes confirms! If a woman enjoys staring at a couple making out, she's been nurtured and brought up as a romantic. If a guy double-takes for more than 0.45 seconds, he's being brought downtown for questioning.
IMPORTANT QUALITIES
	Not at all	Somewhat	Very much
My partner's energy level	_ _	_ _ X	_ _
My partner's love of children	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
My partner's capacity for emotional intimacy	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
Our sexual compatibility	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
Being able to make compromises	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
Being able to talk about personal problems	_ _	_ _ _	_ X
ANALYSIS: Bar responded to the compromise question by saying, "Very important...and a half." Do you have any idea what this means? She won't say no to dinner at Sizzler! But not two nights in a row. Here's the catch: She wants the same from you. Love of children, emotional intimacy, talking about problems, sexual compatibility. Whew! Who's winded? Who needs to take a knee? No wonder energy level is not important. She'll supply that. You get the feeling she would have preferred to fill out this survey on a recumbent bike.
MY RELATIONSHIP WANTS
	Not at all	A little	Quite a bit	Very
If I had some sexual needs that weren't being satisfied, I would feel uncomfortable telling my partner, even if we were close.	X	_	_	_
Sex is an essential part of any successful relationship	_	_	_	X
	Almost never	On occasion	Quite often	All the time
How often do you fall in love?	_	X	_	_
ANALYSIS: Look, you knew this was going to be tough, especially when you realized you couldn't open with that subprime come-on, "Hey, are you a model?" But did you ever for a second take into account that you would have to come up for review if your department failed to perform during a critical cycle? And by critical, we mean judgmental, and by your department, we mean your department. This is a relationship. This is not some stunning object you carry around, like the Stanley Cup. Remember, the stick boy gets to kiss the Stanley Cup. There are no openings for a stick boy.
THE ME SNAPSHOT
What do you like to do on Saturday night?
_ Attend a sports event?	_ Cook dinner for some close friends	X See a movie
_ Go out dancing	_ Go to the theater, symphony, opera or ballet	_ A hobby
_ Go to see a live band	_ Watch a movie at home	_ Host a party
_ Eat at a local restaurant	_ Read a good book	_ Other
ANALYSIS: When told she had to select one, Bar said, "Can't I do a few things? I have the time...." That's right, she has the time. She's telling you this. But look at you. Sitting there. Alone. At Sizzler. In the face of such honesty, energy and hope, you are overmatched. You are John Kruk digging in against Randy Johnson. But as the Buddhists say, there is no growth without pain, and everyone you meet in life is your teacher. Painfully, you have learned something about yourself.
YOU HAVE NO SHOT HERE.
Thank you, Bar. Thank you for teaching. Here endeth the lesson.
BILL SCHEFT IS A SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR TO SI. HIS LATEST NOVEL IS EVERYTHING HURTS.

Did somebody ask for the keys to the kingdom? In a blaze of guard-dropping glory, Bar Refaeli generously agreed to fill out a composite online dating questionnaire. Questions were culled from compatibility surveys on eHarmony.com and Chemistry.com. (Two questions from JDate—"Do you keep kosher?" and "Does this look infected?"—were considered but ultimately disregarded.) Data was obtained in a controlled environment: A 30-minute Skype session in the SI offices conducted by a 53-year-old happily married man with a winter itch.

What follows are Bar's most telling and evocative answers, complete with analysis. This is beyond insight. This is public service. Anyone can undo a bikini top. Who dares to pull back the curtain? Thank us later.

[This article contains a table. Please see hardcopy of magazine or PDF.]

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	ARTICLES	GALLERIES	COVERS
Bar Rafaeli	3	0	1
Stanley Cup	547	0	30
Randy Johnson (Baseball)	76	0	5