BIG RED MACHINE
Drink to Theodore Zinck! Cornell became the first Ivy team to reach the Sweet 16 in 31 years; men's hockey won the ECAC; the wrestling and women's hockey squads were NCAA runners-up; and on The Office, Cornell grad Andy ('Nard Dog) Bernard (Ed Helms, right) finally got some sweet action.
Still want to be rude about his 'tude? The Suns' forward (right) has been scorching since the trade deadline, when Phoenix failed to find a taker for his hefty contract. In 15 games since, Stoudemire dropped 30 points seven times and the Suns were 12--3.
TIGER: BELOW THE BELT
Leave it to Trey Parker and Matt Stone to spin sex addiction into refreshing parody. In "Sexual Healing," the South Park masterminds play out Tiger Woods's Thanksgiving as an R-rated video game. Cartman: "Hit X to lie!" Tiger, meet your new adviser.
DEUCE IS WILD
In the same week that Landon Donovan left Everton for the strike-free MLS, Clint Dempsey (right) made the case for staying put: His chip shot to help Fulham upset Juventus in the Europa League may be the prettiest goal ever by a Yank abroad.