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Funny 'til It's True
May 30, 2011
With a full-season NFL lockout still very much a possibility—at least until a court ruling in June—SI asked the sports swamis at the Onion to predict a future with and without football
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May 30, 2011

Funny 'til It's True

With a full-season NFL lockout still very much a possibility—at least until a court ruling in June—SI asked the sports swamis at the Onion to predict a future with and without football

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  LOCKOUT NO LOCKOUT
AUGUST Bill Belichick's girlfriend and kids suddenly become nation's biggest proponents of ending lockout. Tim Tebow's mother wipes a little schmutz off his face before telling her son how handsome he looks and dropping him off at training camp.
  Thousands of Green Bay fans fill Lambeau Field and raucously cheer the sprinkler system. Americans put down their fascinating and imaginative new hobbies so they can watch TV.
SEPTEMBER U.S. crime rate officially up 5,000%. Ben Roethlisberger thanks God he's forced to go back to work before he does something stupid again.
  Peyton Manning shrivels up into a ball and dies. Peyton Hillis handles his 350th carry for his 461st yard—in Week 3.
OCTOBER Tony Romo hurts arm tossing a shirt into the hamper. Bills lose first four; back in the swing of things!
  Thousands of NFL fans put finishing touches on their Victorian-era romance novels. Another Sunday, another flawless Cris Collinsworth performance.
NOVEMBER Jay Cutler spends Thanksgiving pouting after passing gravy to the wrong family member. Eagles coach Andy Reid frantically scours NFL waivers to see if any team released a tasty snack.
DECEMBER NFL Network custodian discovers filthy Rich Eisen huddled under a desk, uses broom to shoo him away. Distraught Bengals fan wishes his franchise had never existed; angel appears, shows him a better universe where this is the case.
  A Raymond James Stadium groundskeeper figures there's no harm in firing off the cannons a few times since nobody is around. Fans wish NFL hadn't been able to save those damned Thursday games that nobody can watch from home anyway.
JANUARY Still no one watching hockey. Excited Chiefs player runs into locker room carrying a thick envelope from CFL's admissions office.
  Jerry Jones holds Super Bowl victory parade for the Cowboys, who didn't not win the title. Rex Ryan hoists Lombardi Trophy--shaped Super Bowl XLVI collectible cup of Diet Pepsi, spills soda all over shirt and living room couch.

[This article contains a table. Please see hardcopy of magazine or PDF.]

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