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Athletes have rule books to govern their games but not to guide their lives. Where's the manual that warns them that the sight of their actress girlfriends hand-feeding them popcorn will trigger an entire nation's gag reflex? Why isn't there a page telling them where to shop for a sympathy card that says, "Sorry I left your school on probation when I turned pro"? Shouldn't it be written down somewhere that they should never appear on Dancing with the Stars? These are thorny issues that dog the modern-day athlete, so here at last is a set of tips to help him handle critical moments throughout his career—from schoolboy days to the golden years.
When you make a recruiting visit and the school provides you with a "student hostess" who makes Reese Witherspoon look like Clarence Weatherspoon, immediately cross that program off your list. It will be on probation by the time you get back to the airport.
If your dad starts urging you to choose a certain school at around the same time he buys a new boat, and he names the vessel Plausible Deniability, there's probably something he's not telling you.
No matter how many recruiters whisper that your standardized test scores "will be taken care of," continue to act like a normal high school student. Don't arouse suspicion by spending the entire SAT testing session folding the answer sheets into origami cranes.
Ask your prospective college's star power forward to take you to the university library. If he can get you there before nightfall without Google Maps and a GPS, congratulations, you just might have found a reputable program.
If you're going to violate NCAA rules, it's safer to accept freebies from car dealerships than from tattoo parlors. With tats, you can't leave the evidence by the side of the road, and you won't be able to convince anyone that your new ink actually belongs to your cousin—he's just letting you borrow it.
When someone tells you to leave school early to turn pro and start making money, consider the source. If it's Jerry West, the man behind several NBA title teams, listen to him. If it's your uncle Jerry, the man behind on several credit-card bills, do not.
Before you go to a frat party, use your cellphone to take a picture of yourself holding a Coors Light with a goofy smile, your eyelids at half-mast and your shirt on inside out, and e-mail it to every snarky, gossipy blog you can think of. This will save everyone else at the party the trouble of doing so later on.