Sixty Feet, Six Inches

"It sure as hell isn't going to be 'You like me.' " -- Clint Eastwood (when asked before winning his first Oscar what he would say)

Last week we handed out The Annual Snappy Awards for Relief Pitching, which is a lot like the technical Academy Awards (so named because they are technically Academy Awards) where some actress loses a drawing and has to hand out awards to balding men who try to kiss her more than she would like.

This week is the real ceremony where nominees show up in limos, Joan Rivers critiques their wardrobe ("Pinstripes? In New York? Where's your dog and white cane? Blech!"), and the after the awards parties usually end in arrests. Yes, this week we hand out the Snappies to Starting Pitchers. And now, our first award ...

Sidney Ponson, Orioles

This is an abject lesson in media relations. Ponson hits a judge in Aruba and we laugh it off. Kenny Rogers assaults a camera man and we're ready to form a posse. Kinda of strange the priorities we have. Regardless, Sidney has ballooned to Colon/Sabathia proportions (incidentally they were the other nominees for the award) and just isn't the No. 1 pitcher a team needs to be in playoff contention (7-7, 5.93 ERA, 1.73 WHIP). Stay away, no matter what stretch of luck he has in the second half.

Kenny Rogers, Rangers

Now what would cause both of those? OK, that was my parting shot at a news story that is becoming soooooo last week. I will say that the moment Rogers got booed at the All Star game it was over for me. I don't sympathize for him as he created his own situation, but I do think that humiliation plus whatever suspension he ends up getting are enough for this particular situation. But then again, it wasn't my camera.

Mark Prior, Cubs

OK, let's face it, Prior killed a nun in a previous life. How else can you explain a man cursed with the arm of a god attached to the body of an 8-year-old girl? (Note: I apologize to healthy 8-year-old girls everywhere.) Whereas I have no sympathy for the previous award winner, I do for Prior. Having said that, if you own him right now, you're in good shape. If he stays healthy (which is like saying "If I start dating Scarlett Johansson ..."), he could lead the NL in ERA and K. Or he could be done for the season. And yes, Josh Beckett and Kerry Wood were also nominees.

Livan Hernandez, Nationals