TV Commentator Rankings

Because, as Emerson said, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and in this case it's the variety we find in the regular production meeting in which the guy at the top rubs his hands and says, "OK, what's the story line tomorrow?" And then when it doesn't work out, which usually is the case, the guys doing the game feel betrayed, and like drowning souls clinging to a life raft, they try to hold onto any remnant of that line that they can find. They are trapped.

And Simms, who is blessed by working with one of the smoothest, most competent play-by-play men in the business, feels compelled to constantly remind us about the things he predicted early in the show and how they're working out, etc., neglecting the stuff that he had wrong. Well, I'm sounding like Johnny One Note here, but it's something that's becoming increasingly irritating. Besides, Phil collects plenty of awards for excellence ... he really doesn't need the poor old Doc to join the line of back-slappers.

One word on Phil's behalf, though. I don't like to see him get cheap-shotted. First week of the season, he's doing Jets-Patriots, Chad Pennington goes down with a sprained ankle on a sack by Jarvis Green. Next day, N.Y. Daily News columnist Bob Raissman, who's always loudest when he's the most wrong, takes a rip at Simms for not mentioning that the departure of guard Pete Kendall caused an inferior guy to man his spot, thereby causing the Pennington injury. Except that Green beat a different guy, LT D'Brickashaw Ferguson, not the guard. But why be right when you can be loud?

Ian Eagle and Solomon Wilcots, CBS
Four stars at one time, three last year. Fellas, believe me, I'm in your corner. You're good guys. You've got to take hold of this thing. Houston-KC, very first week of the season. Andre Johnson catches a 77-yard TD pass. Max protection, a one-man pattern. Where was Ty Law? Not a clue.

Ravens-Niners, Week 5. Lots of talk about the ineffectiveness of Frank Gore. Hey, guys, the O-line is getting killed. It's one of the worst in the business. How about a quickie montage of the big guys getting driven into their own backfield? Or even mention of it? And then the way Ray Lewis once again is protected. Gore catches a little swing pass and Ray misses him clean. "Makes one man miss," Eagle tells us. Hey, the man has a name and it's Lewis. You've spent all day puffing the guy, as everyone does, so don't chicken out when it comes to his whiffs. C'mon, Ian. C'mon, Sol. You can do better.

Dick Enberg and Randy Cross, CBS
Jets at Baltimore, Week 2. Lots of talk about the Jets' failures against Patriots in Week 1, but not a word about Spygate -- but this was probably under orders and not their fault.

Another round of Plug the Stars. Laveranues Coles drops a ball in the end zone and Chris McAlister gets lauded for his coverage, Jaret Johnson makes two goal-line stops and, of course, they are awarded to Ray Lewis. Enberg actually gave Lewis a tackle when he walked over after the play was finished.

Randy on the Jaguars' Maurice Jones-Drew: "A rolling ball of butcher knives." This one actually made me shout at the TV. The quote is more than 30 years old, and it's Texas coach Darrell Royal talking about Cowboys' free safety Cliff Harris. It refers to a big hitter on defense, for God's sake, not a little running back.

Randy on Cleveland rookie tackle, Joe Thomas: "He just smashes the Jets' defense." This one is just nonsense for dramatic effect because Randy is an ex-lineman and he knows the difference between position blocking, which Thomas does, and real abuse. But for all my whining, he's capable of the occasional gem, which is what's keeping this team afloat.

Jets vs. Tennessee, LB Keith Bulluck comes up with an end zone interception. "During the timeout, he watched who the Jets coaches were talking to on the sideline, and he figured out where the ball would go." Yes! Terrific stuff there. I've always felt you could do a lot better on this chart, Randy, if you just apply yourself.