Bolts over barrel with Lecavalier

A recent report from a credible news service says the Tampa Bay Lightning could get four players, a prospect, two draft picks and pretty much everything else their flinty little hearts desire short of the CH logo on the Montreal Canadiens' sweaters should they opt to sent Vinny Lecavalier to Les Habs sometime this season.

Another report in one of North America's finest newspapers maintains that Lecavalier would look good in a Boston uniform and that the Bruins could give up two first-round picks or one first-round pick and a prospect from one of their more recent drafts and either Phil Kessel or David Krejci

With packages like that presumably on the table, what's next? Evgeni Malkin and two first-rounders from Pittsburgh

How about Henrik Lundqvist, Chris Drury and Mats Sundin (oops, they never did get Sundin, did they?) from the New York Rangers

Maybe Phoenix could get into the act by offering Wayne Gretzky, a really nice, hardly used building and the rights to $2.50 for each of about 10,000 parking spots should the Coyotes manage to win them off a court battle with the city of Glendale, Ariz. Heck, they might even throw in the leases to the copy machines there if they can get them back from the hedge fund that essentially owns the team.

My offer for the Lightning's captain, best player, all-time leading scorer and franchise player who averaged 46 goals and 100 points the last two seasons?

Nothing.

That's right. The big n-o-t-h-i-n-g. The classic nada, zip, numero zero, and if you pushed me hard in an eyeball-to-eyeball negotiation, I might raise my offer to a bag of pucks and a pack of Timbits with no guarantee that I didn't sample the glazed ones.

Now don't get me wrong. I think the 28-year-old Lecavalier, even with a wonky shoulder and an attitude crushed by more losses than a Bernie Madoff investor, could turn a team around so fast that even New York Islanders fans would stop pining for Ted Nolan and Neil Smith, but when it comes to making this deal, I'd be holding all the cards.

Lecavalier may be the franchise in Tampa Bay, but ownership not only appears unable to afford him, it appears it may have even gone over the limit on the debit card for the operation it creatively financed last offseason. And as we've all learned since the owners' lockout wrought its havoc on the game, if you want to move a big salary that you can't afford now as well as for the life of an 11-year contract, your reward is pretty much limited to getting rid of the contract.