A grand time to be a fan

By now you've surely gotten a snootful of that motorized bar stool that got pulled over in Ohio the other day with its pilot toting a 15-beer load. Well, in a cosmic confluence of events, it turns out that the Phoenix Coyotes have been running a promotion that's tailor-made for anyone who is inclined to hop on this Car of Tomorrow and head for their friendly local stadium or arena.

No, it's not rolling out the first Cuban-American goaltender in NHL history. All fans who buy a quart of vodka get a free ticket to a Coyotes game. The deal is particularly ingenious since you usually need a bag on to watch the Yotes -- Wayne Gretzky's gnarly crew is presently mud-wrasslin' with the LA Kings in the basement of the Pacific Division, on the way to their sixth straight early tee-time.

Not to be outdone, the Grand Prairie AirHogs of the independent American Association are planning an Octomom Night in honor of Nadya Suleman, who squeezed out eight urchins last January and has been making a national brand name for herself as a paragon of stability. The promotion will include a Diaper Derby and a stroller race. If the AirHogs score eight runs or more, every fan gets a ticket to another game. Actually, the Hogs ought to award each fan one of the Suleman tots. As with Nathan "Unpainted" Arizona's brood, there are plenty to go around.

This just in:

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) -- The staff dietitian at a doctors group says a minor-league baseball team in Grand Rapids, Mich., should warn fans that a 4,800-calorie burger it plans to sell is bad for them.

Seems to this space that in lieu of a t-shirt, the West Michigan Whitecaps should be awarding a free quadruple bypass to anyone who actually manages to eat that there four-pound conglomeration of five beef patties, cheese, chili, salsa and corn chips.

Last week's observation that the degree of contact allowed in professional sports is now inversely proportional to the size of athletes' paychecks apparently inspired reader Mike Tracy of Baton Rouge, LA to avail himself of the handy Epistle Portal (below) and thoughtfully propose the following:

For the Brady rule, I suggest an inverse contact rule based on salary. The more a player makes, the less contact the player is allowed to have. What do you think?

In the words of those characters in the old Guinness commercial, "Brilliant!" And so Getting Loose wishes to be the first to urge Commissioner Roger Goodell to implement the following contact penalty system for the upcoming NFL season:

League minimum ($310,000 to $860,000): No penalty