Feuds of the Week

Feuds of the Week is a collection of the week's most pressing matchups. The column also refuses to acknowledge the existence and success of any 3-D movie whose plot revolves around secret agent guinea pigs. American cinema has jumped the shark.

After the New York Times' report that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez appear on the 2003 confidential list of players who tested positive for steroids, one person is particularly shocked that Ortiz ever injected himself with a performance enhancing drug ... David Ortiz.

Ortiz has been quoted throughout the past few years, and as recently as February, suggesting that steroid users should be banned for, at the very least, an entire season. On one hand, David Ortiz makes a valid point about justice for violators, but on the other hand, I feel like David Ortiz might want to take it easy on David Ortiz, given what he has been through. Let's just hope David Ortiz didn't specifically have David Ortiz in mind, as an Ortiz/Ortiz feud is nothing but bad news for the Red Sox clubhouse, as well as the game of baseball itself.

The Verdict: You'd feel bad for Red Sox fans if they actually cared that two of their premiere players were juicing during their historic 2004 season. Luckily, fans of teams don't actually care about their players doing steroids. The plus side for the organization, though, is now they get to re-release a special edition DVD box set of the 2004 season with a new director's commentary by Victor Conte. Ca-ching!

In a complete lapse of judgment, McMackin, the University of Hawaii's second year head football coach, used a homosexual slur to describe a dance and cheer Notre Dame fans performed the night before the 2008 Hawaii Bowl.

He immediately caught himself and instead of realizing the error of his ways, he opted for the tactic of persuading reporters to leave that part out of their stories, even though the sole purpose of the reporters' presence is to write things down that are said at the podium.

The Verdict: If I were McMackin, I'd plea ignorance and claim that the word I used meant something different in a rare dialect of a native island language. If that doesn't work, I'd claim everything was a misunderstanding due to the time difference and proximity to the equator. In a related story, I should never give media training advice to anybody ever.

Earlier this week, Shaquille O'Neal wondered aloud on a radio show (and later, Twitter) if he could stroll up to the security gate of the White House and be welcomed as an unsolicited guest. Well, he tried doing it ... and failed.

White House security, in doing their job, simply didn't let him in without an invitation. Like they're supposed to do. Because it's their job.

The Verdict: You can never tell with The Big Aristotle what's genuine and what's a goof, so it's a difficult call here. He's clearly enjoys testing his own celebrity, and I'm not sure I'd do anything differently if I were a beloved larger-than-life personality. In the end, this episode hurts his rep far less than any instance in which he drops the word "vasectomy" mid-freestyle.